Paranoia

I've always thought my mother was a little paranoid (sorry mom). Always thinking the worst when Olivia or I don't call when she expects us to, interpreting the slightest symptoms of illness in the worst possible light, etc. But Abby has given me a whole new understanding of my mom's "paranoia."

Case in point. Early on, during the first 4 months or so of Abby's life, she mostly slept with me on the futon or the couch. Occasionally we would sleep together with Alex, a situation most books advised against. Apparently, although mothers are in tune enough with their baby to avoid rolling over on them in the night, fathers are not. I'm sure this is a broad generalization that doesn't apply to all fathers or mothers, but anyway. Whether the books influenced my feelings about the three of us sleeping together or whether they came naturally, the truth was I was VERY paranoid about Alex rolling over on Abby. Whenever he even slightly twitched I would frantically reach over and protect Abby in case he was going to roll over on her.

I think a little paranoia about crushing your baby is probably a healthy thing. BUT. The days of Abby sleeping with us are LONG past, maybe 6 or 7 months past, and my paranoia is stubbornly lingering. At least 4 nights a week I wake Alex up in the middle of the night, usually by frantically pushing him off the bed or yelling at him, in order to prevent him from rolling over on an Abby that isn't actually there. I'm sure this is pretty annoying. And now that I'm watching Rowan half of the week, he has joined the cause. The other night I woke Alex up because I was certain he was going to get up and step on Rowan who I thought was crawling around the floor in our room.

When will this paranoia go away? Will I always and forever be pushing Alex out of bed or yelling at him to be careful in the middle of the night? Maybe it will only go away when I have a new paranoia to replace it. For Alex's sake, I hope the next paranoid dreams do not involve him.